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Lyre Lyre Hearts on Fire


The gang come across a golden lyre, a love-sick Draco, some melodic Amazon's, Joxer's other brother Jace, and a meddlesome mother. A Battle of the Bands is set to determine the owner of Terpsichore's melodious instrument. Hmm, Gee, I wonder who'll win this one? Did I mention that along the way they invent Disco, Rap, Blues and Punk Rock music?

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Draco: "X marks the spot, boys. The treasure should be under these pillars ... where are you, my golden one ... ahh ... the quest is finally over. The lyre's mine."
Amoria: "Correction ... since you found it on Amazon territory, I'd say it belonged to us."
Draco: "Here ... psych! No, no, no, no. Look, I'll tell you what, if you want the lyre so badly, you can pry it ... from my cold, dead fingers."
Amoria: "With pleasure."

Xena: "Well, kids ... if you can't play nice with your new toy, I'm gonna have to take it from you."
Draco: "Xena."
Gabrielle: "What's the Lyre doing here?"
Xena: "There's more than one of them, they're hidden all over the world. It's Terpsichore's way of spreading music."


Draco: "Hi, Gabrielle."
Gabrielle: "Draco."
Joxer: "What's wrong with him?"
Gabrielle: "Baby Bliss put a spell on him."
Joxer: "Creepy."
Draco: "How can you say it's a spell when I would gladly tear out my own spleen and carve your initials on the side of it just to prove my undying love for you?"
Gabrielle: "I'm flattered."
Amoria: "Check it out, sisters. Draco the Lionheart is really Draco the Dandelion."
Draco: "You want a war, Amazon? You've got one."

Xena: "War!"

Chorus (Gabs & Joxer): "What is it good for?"
Xena: "Absolutely ..."
Chorus: "Nothing!"
Xena: "Uh huh, yeah! War!"
Chorus: "What is it good for?"
Xena: "Absolutely ..."
Chorus: "Nothing!"

Xena: "Listen to me now, War is a thing that despise. ‘Cause it means destruction of innocent lives. War means tears in thousands of mothers' eyes When their young go out to fight and lose their lives. War!" Chorus: "What is it good for?" Xena: "Absolutely ..." Chorus: "Nothing!" Xena: "Say it again, yeah! War!" Chorus: "What is it good for?" Xena: "Absolutely ..." Chorus: "Nothing!" Gabrielle: "It ain't nothing but a heartbreaker." Xena: "War!" Joxer: "Free only to the undertaker." Amoria: "War is the enemy of all mankind. The thought of war just blows my mind. War handed down from generation to generation, Induction and destruction. Who wants to die?"

Xena: "Say it again, yeah! War!" Chorus: "What is it good for?" Xena: "Absolutely ..." Chorus: "Nothing!" Xena: "Say it again, yeah! War!" Chorus: "What is it good for?" Draco: "Absolutely nothing."



Draco: "Okay, since we're not going to battle it out, how are we going to decide who gets the lyre?"
Xena: "Oh, there's going to be a battle, alright ... a battle of the bands."


Xena: "Alright, listen up. Playing music's the best way for a muse to inspire, And the best sounding band will win Terpsichore's lyre." Gabrielle: "If the people don't mind, There's a contest for Peace." And we'll do it right here ..." Spiro: "... in Melodia, music capital of Greece."



Spiro: "Hi, Vargus." Vargus: "Hi, Spiro. What's the hurry? Why the scurry? Where's the fire? Why the lyre?" Spiro: "Didn't you here? There's a contest in town!"

Sarah: "Hi, Corry." Corry: "Hi, Sarah.
News I'm bringing. Time for singing. Can you hum? Get your drum." Sarah: "Oh, my gosh! There's a contest in town!"

Villagers: "Is there really a jam?" Spiro: "Yeah!" Villagers: "Can we participate?" Spiro: "Sure." Villagers: "Should we go right now?" Spiro: "Why not?" Villagers: "Or is it too late?" Spiro: "No!" Villagers: "Yeah! There's really a jam! For you and the rest! So take your sitars And give it your best!"

Alabardus: (out of key) "Hello, Farmer Paxon. I am Alabardus. Won't you let me sing with you?" Farmer Paxon: "Is there really a jam?" Alabardus: "Yes there is." Farmer Paxon: "I've got talent to spare." Alabardus: "That's why I asked." Farmer Paxon: "Just take over my stand ..." Alabardus: "But I thought ..." Farmer Paxon: "... and get out of my hair."

Villager: "Hit your note in your key." Baritone: "That's to high." Soprano: "But not for me."

Alabardus: "Hello, Miss Leandra. I am Alabardus. Won't you let me sing with you?"

Wealthy Villager: "Got no talent? I got money. I just need to bribe the judge."

Amazons: "Oh, they think they're so cool ..." Draco's Men: "We got talent ..." Amazons: "... playing music's a gag ..." Draco's Men: "... we got music ..." Amazons: "... when you get on stage ..." Draco's Men: "... we got singing ..." Amazons: "... they'll fall on their ..."

Alabardus: "Hello, kind barbarian. I am Alabardus. Please just let me sing with you."Gabrielle: "But, you've got it all wrong." Villagers: "Getting ready!" Gabrielle: "There's no talent to find." Villagers: "Getting ready!" Gabrielle: "If this contest's too big ..." Villagers: "Getting ready!" Gabrielle: "I'll go out of my mind!"


*** Musical Mayhem abounds.


Xena: "So, I'm figuring this will be a great place for a stage."
Gabrielle: "Xena, the word is out. The bands are coming in from everywhere."
Joxer: "Wow!"
Xena: "I guess the contest is going to be bigger than we thought."
Gabrielle: "Yeah."
Xena: "Well, everybody deserves a chance."

Xena: "Gabrielle, why don't you just audition each band as it comes in and make a first cut? Good girl. Joxer, get together some villagers, see if you can build a stage, I'm figuring here."
Joxer: "Okay."
Xena: "Yeah!"


Cyrene: "Xena!"
Xena: "Mom."
Cyrene: "So, it's true. And when were going to tell me?"
Xena: "Amphipolis was my next stop."
Cyrene: "You look positively radiant. When are we going to meet your ‘special someone'?"
Xena: "If you mean the father, the answer's never. He's not in my life."
Cyrene: "But, Xena, every child needs a father."
Xena: "You raised me on your own."
Cyrene: "I attest it would have been much easier with help."
Xena: "I have help."
Cyrene: "You have now."
Xena: "Ohh."


Xena: (sarcastically) "Oh, Gabrielle, sign them up."
Gabrielle: "Kill me ... please."
Joxer: "Oh, come on, they can't all be ... mediocre."
Gabrielle: "No, they all suck. Sadly everyone in the music capital of Greece is tone deaf."
Xena: (hears disco music from afar) "... maybe not everyone."


Jace: "Everyone! Why don't you all throw up you hands and feel my rhythm!"
Xena: "Another one?"
Joxer: "It's my brother, Jace."
Jace: "We get it on most every night And when that moon gets big and bright It's a supernatural delight. Everybody was dancing in the moonlight. Everybody here is out of sight. But they don't bark and they don't bite. They keep things loose, they keep things light. Everybody was dancing in the moonlight." Chorus: "Dancing in the moonlight. Everybody's feeling warm and bright. It's such a fine and natural sight. Everybody's dancing in the moonlight." Jace: "We like our fun but never fight. You can't dance and stay uptight. It's a supernatural delight. Everybody was dancing in the moonlight. Chorus: "Dancing in the moonlight. Everybody's feeling warm and bright. It's such a fine and natural sight. Everybody's dancing in the moonlight." Jace: "Come on! Baila, mi amigos! Baila! You think that was something? This is how we dance before breakfast where I come from! Repeat after me! Ole Ole!"
Chorus: "Ole! Ole!" Jace: "Ole! Ole!" Chorus: "Ole! Ole!" Jace: "Dancing in the moonlight. Everybody's feeling warm and bright. It's such a fine and natural sight. Everybody's dancing in the moonlight!"


Draco: "You fall off the circus wagon, boy? We don't like your kind here, freak."
Gabrielle: "Let's take him."
Draco: "Gabrielle, I am just trying to keep you from getting infected by this lily-livered panty twist."
Xena: "You touch so much as a hair on Jace's head, I'll scalp ya ... good luck in the contest."